One day, soon after my mother had passed away, a thought struck me. I was listening to an interview about the education system in the U.S. I felt myself think, education is one of the most valuable tools we can give our children. I thought of this belief as my own, but I realized my mother had said it many times. Suddenly, it became evident to me, many of my beliefs about life were influenced by my parents. This came as a shock to me, not because I never realized my parents, or any one’s for that matter, have an influence on your life. The shock came that I still held fast to so many of those beliefs and had taken them on as my own. Thinking back to conversations with my mother I remembered how her father had influenced her with his thoughts on education. I struggled with the image of myself, as a 50 something woman, still a child clinging to her parents beliefs. Did I truly believe these ideals or was I just repeating them?
My conclusion is this. My beliefs are my own, because I have chosen them as such. That is not to say, those beliefs are not the same or similar to the ones my parents had. But, I’m not sure that is a bad thing. I also realize that I have altered some of my beliefs to fit into life lessons I have learned. And in the end, isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Give you a foundation from which to build your own house? I then realized, with both of my parents dead, I am the one to carry on those beliefs or let them fade. I am the keeper of our family torch. One that I hope to keep well lit.
Yesterday I drove my daughter and her boyfriend to the train station for a weekend get away. After they got out of the car and I got stuck in construction traffic I realized I was jealous. I want to go away, I need a vacation. When our youngest daughter left for college my husband and I bought ourselves a sporty little empty-nester car. I think we both pictured our pre-children days of hoping in the car for a weekend and going where the road took us. But, obligations held us at home. Leaving on the spur of the moment was difficult with me in charge of my mother’s care. Paul lost his father, his brother and his mother almost died in a car accident. All within a 3 year time frame. Then Paul took a new job, I found some work as a part time teacher with The Scotia-Glenville Children’s Museum. (www.travelingmuseum.org). Life became a little more structured. The other day the Museum needed me to list the days I would take for vacation during the summer. That is when it hit me. I don’t have anything planned. What is up with that? Dropping my daughter off was another wake up call. As of today, I am going to schedule a vacation. I will see where the road takes us.
Recently I have been boarding the me bus more often. It is a difficult adventure for most women. We are not geared or wired to think of ourselves first. But I have discovered, at least in my life, it is high time I started doing just that.
When you begin boarding the me bus often your family is generally not happy about it. After all, you have spent most of, either your married life or your children’s lives putting them first. It is a shock to their systems to suddenly not come first. But if you have raised your children to also be considerate of others they will eventually come around. Husbands may take a little more time.
A benefit of riding the me bus is that I now do more of the activities I want to do. I actually ask myself, What do you want to do? I realize that of course life can not be totally one sided. As a person belonging to a family, society and life in general, I can not be totally self absorbed. But, occasionally it is nice to worry about what I want first, then consider how it will affect others. So, I encourage others to join me on my bus. Come on ladies, and Welcome Aboard !
I pray because I believe in prayer. But, last night I wondered. What kind of prayers do I believe in? I certainly don’t believe that God spares certain people because one has a better prayer chain then the other. After all, life is not the ultimate American Idol. Everyday I am surrounded by sad events changing people’s lives. I know that even those who die had some one praying for them to live. But, people die anyway. Why? Of course I don’t know the answer, nor, I think does anyone.
So last night I decided my prayers need to focus more for help or guidance. When my mother was ill, just before she died. I asked God and my angels to guide me through this end of her life. Because I knew it was time for her to go. I asked them to help me understand what decisions I should make and to let me know what I could and could not control. Trust me, letting myself realize I’m not always in control, that is big. It worked for me to let myself be guided. It wasn’t “just throw up my arms and let things happen”, it was a feeling of peace, knowing that any decision I did have to make I would find help making it.
As I approach new conflicts and decisions in my life I intend to ask for guidance. Then, take a deep breath and wait for help in getting through this rough patch in my life.
Since my mother passed away I have been doing well. I miss her, but I have missed her for years. She hasn’t truly been my mother since her dementia. Consequently, I have been working on getting my life in order and doing many of the things that should have been accomplished over the past several years.
Yet, I still get thrown a curve ball once in a while. I have lawyers working on dissolving my guardianship of Mom. This must be done in order to probate her Will. I have other lawyers working on the Will. Letters were sent out to all of my siblings and by signing and returning the papers, they agree to have my brother and oldest sister and I as the executors of Mom’s Will. Yet, it seems one of my sisters has a problem with signing. Really? What is the point? I know as far as I am concerned, I am ready to be done with all aspects of bills, taxes, and legal papers. By not signing, I wonder, what does she think she will gain? Certainly her lack of signature stalls the whole probate business. Of course any time the lawyers are involved that just spends more money. I personally, want to probate the Will. Then get on with the business of remembering my Mom before dementia.
Over the past week I have been working, along with help from my niece, on getting myself out there. So here I am blogging on my own website. I find it all very exciting and cool, if I may say that.
Twitter is an amazing place. I’m amazed at how much others put out there for strangers to read. But, I have to say I could easily spend hours reading other peoples twitters.
All that aside, my plan for this site it to hopefully draw more people into the reality of my writing. On this page I intend to put more info and some of my essays. I am trying to get my voice out to the world with the technology.
Bear with me, I am new to this, but the learning is an adventure.