Decisions,Teen Years and Beyond

As I age, and I will admit it, I’m 53, I find myself realizing, over the past several years I have based most of my decisions on how it will affect those around me.  My thought process consisted of; Will that work with  the girls schedule?  Will Paul want to do this?  Does that work with the budget?  And any other varied questions that might fit with the scenario.  Very rarely did the idea even occur to me to think about my feelings and how the decision would affect me.   But with age, it is said, comes wisdom, and I have been discovering some wisdom of my own. Starting with, instead of considering other’s feelings first I have been working on discovering what I want.

This is new to me as a parent, it may even be a first for me as an adult.  I’m pretty sure at one point I did make decisions based on only myself, but that would have been in my teen years.  I still recall my mother saying, “life is a two-way street.”  Meaning, I needed to change the habit of only worrying about myself and realize others walked this earth.  I fear, I may have heeded that warning too well and went far overboard the other way.  Thus, at the age of 53, I have devised my new decision making concept.  It will work something along these lines.

I will decide what works for me, how that fits into the plans of those around me, and make a concerted effort to have everyone be happy.  But, if that doesn’t work, chances are, I will decide to first make myself happy.

The decisions may be small.  As in, I will eat the last piece of pie and not save it for whoever else may want it.  I won’t cook dinner tonight, even though I have the ingredients, because I am just too tired and the  budget be damned.  On going out, I will pick and stick to the restaurant I want, because that is important to me.

I feel these small decisions will help empower me to make bigger decisions.  I may take more vacations to visit my sisters.  Or, realize my dream of 27 years and finally get a screened-in-porch put on my house.  In general I plan to be just a little more self-absorbed.  I think, in the end, this will make me a happier person. And, I hope, since I am happy, those around me will be too.


Signs of Change

Lately, I’ve seen the number 5 everywhere. I see it in doubles or triplicate. I take this as a sign from angels.   It means, according to Doreen Virtue, that the angels are signally, “A major life change is upon you.”  Of course what that change is, I don’t know.  But, I heed the warning   It has only been in the past few years that I have begun to see and acknowledge signs given to me,  from angels.  Even as I put this in print, I acknowledge to myself, that sounds crazy.

But spiritually I have changed.  Gradually, I have stopped attending any kind of formalized religion.  An idea that was brewing inside of me for many years, until finally, I allowed myself to go through with the act.  Even as I made the move,  I found myself more connected with my spirituality.  Yet, it wasn’t until recently that I began to notice numbers.  It seemed they demanded my attention.  I’m not sure how I finally came to the realization that these numbers were  signs to me and not coincidence.  Perhaps in a conversation with my sister, who believes in all kinds of signals.  Or perhaps in the fact I kept seeing the same numbers everywhere; car license plates, the clock, billboards, receipts.  It all began to be very strange.  It was unnerving to wake and look at the clock and see the same numbers repeated night after night.  During the day I would see those same numbers displayed on just about everything.  I went to websites that explained these occurrences to me.  According to the information, angels try to convey messages to us.  They can do this in many ways, I just happen to see numbers.   I find this ironic, since I have always struggled with math.  However, perhaps angels do have a sense of humor.  Eventually, I began to look up what the number combinations were supposed to mean.  Each time I did this, the message seemed very relevent to what was taking place in my life.  My eyebrows would raise in curiosity.  The hairs on the back of my neck would stand at attention, and send a shiver down my spine.

In November of the year 2011, I began to frequently see  the number combination of 555.  Warning of a major life change.  I wondered what this transformation would be, but I took comfort in the fact that this new direction, according to the angel message, “should not be viewed as either positive or negative, since all life change is but a natural part of life’s flow.”  (Doreen Virtue)  Consequently, when I received the call on January 1, 2012 that Mom was very ill, I was not shocked.  I had been given the warnings.  And, I felt in my soul that this was the beginning of the end.  I knew Mom was ready to leave this world, though scared.  And, I knew that I could no longer bear to watch her lose anymore of her dignity and mind.  She literally was a shell encasing a soul that needed to escape the confines of earth.  I felt she yearned to once again be the young carefree woman who laughed, danced, sang and loved.  Mom somehow fought her way back through that first bout of pneumonia.  Even with dementia she was a fighter.  But, when she became ill again in February, it was her time.  She died within 48 hours.

I cried for myself, that Mom and I had lost so many years that should have been enjoyed together.  I cried for her grandchildren, they too had lost their  grandmother as she slid into dementia.  But, I did not cry that my mother had lost any of the life she had left on this earth, that life was nothing more than a struggle for her.  She wanted to leave behind her dementia.  I felt it each time she held my hand and her grip, over the years, became less.  As if that represented her grip on reality and life.

Yesterday, as my youngest daughter enjoyed her last full day of freedom, before she joined the workforce, I reflected back to the signs of 5 I have been receiving again.  I wondered, Is this the change that I have been warned is coming?  Or is it a life change for me? 

Maybe it is  both.  Perhaps, we both need to change and start our new lives.  We laughed during the day, my husband, Kristen and I that none of us knew what we wanted to do when we grew up.  I know, I am still trying to figure that out.  But, I think I learned from the best, my mother.  As long as her mind allowed, she never stopped learning, changing and growing.  At the end of her life, the fact she could no longer learn, was her sign to leave the confines of this world.