dementia

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Signs of Change


Lately, I’ve seen the number 5 everywhere. I see it in doubles or triplicate. I take this as a sign from angels.   It means, according to Doreen Virtue, that the angels are signally, “A major life change is upon you.”  Of course what that change is, I don’t know.  But, I heed the warning   It has only been in the past few years that I have begun to see and acknowledge signs given to me,  from angels.  Even as I put this in print, I acknowledge to myself, that sounds crazy.

But spiritually I have changed.  Gradually, I have stopped attending any kind of formalized religion.  An idea that was brewing inside of me for many years, until finally, I allowed myself to go through with the act.  Even as I made the move,  I found myself more connected with my spirituality.  Yet, it wasn’t until recently that I began to notice numbers.  It seemed they demanded my attention.  I’m not sure how I finally came to the realization that these numbers were  signs to me and not coincidence.  Perhaps in a conversation with my sister, who believes in all kinds of signals.  Or perhaps in the fact I kept seeing the same numbers everywhere; car license plates, the clock, billboards, receipts.  It all began to be very strange.  It was unnerving to wake and look at the clock and see the same numbers repeated night after night.  During the day I would see those same numbers displayed on just about everything.  I went to websites that explained these occurrences to me.  According to the information, angels try to convey messages to us.  They can do this in many ways, I just happen to see numbers.   I find this ironic, since I have always struggled with math.  However, perhaps angels do have a sense of humor.  Eventually, I began to look up what the number combinations were supposed to mean.  Each time I did this, the message seemed very relevent to what was taking place in my life.  My eyebrows would raise in curiosity.  The hairs on the back of my neck would stand at attention, and send a shiver down my spine.

In November of the year 2011, I began to frequently see  the number combination of 555.  Warning of a major life change.  I wondered what this transformation would be, but I took comfort in the fact that this new direction, according to the angel message, “should not be viewed as either positive or negative, since all life change is but a natural part of life’s flow.”  (Doreen Virtue)  Consequently, when I received the call on January 1, 2012 that Mom was very ill, I was not shocked.  I had been given the warnings.  And, I felt in my soul that this was the beginning of the end.  I knew Mom was ready to leave this world, though scared.  And, I knew that I could no longer bear to watch her lose anymore of her dignity and mind.  She literally was a shell encasing a soul that needed to escape the confines of earth.  I felt she yearned to once again be the young carefree woman who laughed, danced, sang and loved.  Mom somehow fought her way back through that first bout of pneumonia.  Even with dementia she was a fighter.  But, when she became ill again in February, it was her time.  She died within 48 hours.

I cried for myself, that Mom and I had lost so many years that should have been enjoyed together.  I cried for her grandchildren, they too had lost their  grandmother as she slid into dementia.  But, I did not cry that my mother had lost any of the life she had left on this earth, that life was nothing more than a struggle for her.  She wanted to leave behind her dementia.  I felt it each time she held my hand and her grip, over the years, became less.  As if that represented her grip on reality and life.

Yesterday, as my youngest daughter enjoyed her last full day of freedom, before she joined the workforce, I reflected back to the signs of 5 I have been receiving again.  I wondered, Is this the change that I have been warned is coming?  Or is it a life change for me? 

Maybe it is  both.  Perhaps, we both need to change and start our new lives.  We laughed during the day, my husband, Kristen and I that none of us knew what we wanted to do when we grew up.  I know, I am still trying to figure that out.  But, I think I learned from the best, my mother.  As long as her mind allowed, she never stopped learning, changing and growing.  At the end of her life, the fact she could no longer learn, was her sign to leave the confines of this world.

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Passenger


After two days of adult beverages, rest, relaxation and  laughter while we sat on a screened in porch that overlooked a lake in the Blue Ridge Mountains my sisters and I were ready to fly the nest.   The three of us are doing some much-needed bonding and healing at my sister’s new vacation home.  This morning we planned to take a tour of the beautiful lake.  I’ve ridden on wave runners, jet skis, whatever you like to call them.  But I have always been the passenger.  I hesitated as my sister handed me the keys to one.

“Don’t worry, I will walk you through it.  Driving is actually very easy.”

My confidence returned and to my surprise I was excited about the whole adventure.  I boldly grabbed the keys, listened to the instructions and hoped on board.  My sister pushed me and the wave runner into the water, I hit the start button and realized I thrilled to feel the power of the engine that was now in my control.  I gave the throttle some gas, but not enough and everything rumbled to a stop.  Undaunted, I pushed the start button again, felt the hum and this time gave the throttle much more gas.  The wave runner leapt from its resting spot like a deer suddenly startled and I’m sure my eyes reflected the same look.  I calmed myself with the thought.  Ok, you can do this, this is easy.  Slowly at first,  as I got to know my new mode of transportation, I began to cruise gently around.  Then, as I gained more confidence, more quickly.  My sisters joined me on their wave runner and we began our tour.  I enjoyed the view of the different houses and the landscape but since I could not hear the explanation of what  was pointed out, I grew bored.  And so, I began to play.  Let’s see what this baby can do and more importantly how far I want to take it.  I gunned the engine and began to fly across the water, I skimmed just the surface, and suddenly knew what a Swallow must feel like as it flies over the water in search of bugs.  After the tour we re-grouped.  We left the confines of the quiet cove my sister’s house is on, the one we had just disrupted with noise and waves and headed into the much bigger portion of the lake.  I was mesmerized by the beauty.  The color of the lake on this morning was a beautiful teal.    As we toured around I admired the summer green of the deciduous trees that surrounded the lake as the pranced down to the red Georgia clay of the shoreline.  Further up on the hills and mountains the blue-green of the pine trees demonstrated why these mountains are called Blue Ridge.  Breath taking.  I looked around at the expanse of the lake, surprisingly, the lake was ours.  I did not see any other boats.  I gave the throttle some more gas and once again began to fly.  A huge grin spread across my face, I could not contain it, even if I wanted to.  Without warning a yell of “Yahoo” escaped from my lips.    I sped away from my sisters to do more playing.  I felt free.  Then my eyes began to tear up.  Was I going to cry?  I let my emotions go and I listened to what they were telling me.

Think about it, it has been six years of worry.  For six years every time I went away I worried about the phone call I would get saying something had happened to Mom.  I worried that she would need me, and I would not be there.  For six years I never went anywhere without making prior arrangements for her care.  I left phone numbers and lined up help.  Since our mother’s death, this was the first time in six years I had just packed my suitcase and walked out the door.  I’m not saying I did not enjoy myself during those years.  But, there was always that nagging responsibility and the question of the unexpected phone call.  I worried when doing activities, about injury to myself.  I needed to be in one piece to care for Mom. 

My eyes cleared and my grin returned.  Gratitude for this day and this vacation filled my spirit.  I pulled on the throttle and continued gaining speed until I hit the speed of 53 miles per hour.  I felt this was an appropriate speed as it is also my age on the day I realized I am in control, and no longer a passenger.

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Belief, revisited


I pray because I believe in prayer.  But, last night I wondered.  What kind of prayers do I believe in?  I certainly don’t believe that God spares certain people because one has a better prayer chain then the other.  After all, life is not the ultimate American Idol.  Everyday I am surrounded by sad events changing people’s lives.  I know that even those who die had some one praying for them to live.  But, people die anyway.  Why?  Of course I don’t know the answer, nor, I think does anyone.

So last night I decided my prayers need to focus more for help or guidance.  When my mother was ill, just before she died.  I asked God and my angels to guide me through this end of her life. Because I knew it was time for her to go.   I asked them to help me understand what decisions I should make and to let me know what I could and could not control.  Trust me, letting myself realize I’m not always in control, that is big.  It worked for me to let myself be guided.  It wasn’t “just throw up my arms and let things happen”, it was a feeling of peace, knowing that any decision I did have to make I would find help making it.

As I approach new conflicts and decisions in my life I intend to ask for guidance.  Then, take a deep breath and wait for help in getting through this rough patch in my life.

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Really?


Since my mother passed away I have been doing well. I miss her, but I have missed her for years. She hasn’t truly been my mother since her dementia. Consequently, I have been working on getting my life in order and doing many of the things that should have been accomplished over the past several years.
Yet, I still get thrown a curve ball once in a while. I have lawyers working on dissolving my guardianship of Mom. This must be done in order to probate her Will. I have other lawyers working on the Will. Letters were sent out to all of my siblings and by signing and returning the papers, they agree to have my brother and oldest sister and I as the executors of Mom’s Will. Yet, it seems one of my sisters has a problem with signing. Really? What is the point? I know as far as I am concerned, I am ready to be done with all aspects of bills, taxes, and legal papers. By not signing, I wonder, what does she think she will gain? Certainly her lack of signature stalls the whole probate business. Of course any time the lawyers are involved that just spends more money. I personally, want to probate the Will. Then get on with the business of remembering my Mom before dementia.

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Blogging, twitter, FB


Over the past week I have been working, along with help from my niece, on getting myself out there. So here I am blogging on my own website. I find it all very exciting and cool, if I may say that.
Twitter is an amazing place. I’m amazed at how much others put out there for strangers to read. But, I have to say I could easily spend hours reading other peoples twitters.
All that aside, my plan for this site it to hopefully draw more people into the reality of my writing. On this page I intend to put more info and some of my essays. I am trying to get my voice out to the world with the technology.
Bear with me, I am new to this, but the learning is an adventure.

Rosemary