empty nest

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Stepping Back and Leaping Forward


My art work

My art work

My mother often said, “You should never stop learning.” She meant this in general terms for all people, not just me. Mom was a teacher at heart and she truly believed, as I do, that education is your ticket to anywhere. My college degree was just one of the gifts my parents gave me.
I wonder what Mom would think of the latest online course I am taking. I suppose it falls under the category of self-help. And, yes, I am helping myself by taking steps backwards to find the girl who lives inside of me; the one who loved to play and laugh. I’m searching for the girl who ran barefoot through the hot, humid Indiana summers, the one who wrote scripts of comedy shows for the neighborhood children to perform for their parents. I hope to find the child that believed she could achieve any goal. I want to find the girl who believed in all possibilities and wasn’t afraid to fail, and if she did, try again.
The course developed and given by Brene’ Brown is a total of twelve weeks divided into two separate six-week programs. The first half took place before December and I had a blast. The participants of this course read a few pages every week from Brene’ Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. As part of the class, the students are required to have a journal in which we reflect on our past lives, recall the dreams we once had and find the courage and creativity that we lost as we left behind our childhoods.
Creating my journal, I have thoroughly enjoyed letting my imagination flow as I cut out photos and make collages. I paint pictures with watercolors that would not win awards but I find joy in doing. I search through magazines for scenes that lift my spirits and I glue them into my journal. I ponder on a picture of my past self, and imagine reaching back to grasp her hand and feel the self-confidence and happiness. I pull her energy through the many times of my recent self-doubt. The years of being told, I couldn’t possibly accomplish something, and bring that force into now. I wrap that power around myself so that once again I can feel hope and understand the potential waiting inside of me. I am taking a step backward so that I can leap into my future.
There are many articles about being an empty-nester and trust me, it is a time of change for any parent. I have worked my way through this stage of life very slowly. When my girls were away at college, my husband and I felt the emptiness of the house but we knew our children would soon return.
I never really had the chance to focus on myself while my girls were gone because of my responsibilities of caring for my mother, who had dementia. She passed away in February 2012 and my youngest daughter graduated from college the following May. Kristen lived with us until she was accepted into law school. It was a year of turmoil for the whole household. I realize now I spent the good part of that year emerging from a haze of sorrow that had enveloped me during Mom’s six year struggle with dementia.
Last fall, I began to feel the urge to learn something new. Consequently, I signed myself up for this class which allows me to take a step backward, as I call it. I am finding the person who will stop and dance when her favorite song circles through the playlist or will sit in the morning and linger over her second cup of coffee just to pet the cat sitting on her lap while listening to the birds sing. I am a searcher of joy, a spreader of kindness.
Of course, a transformation does not occur overnight nor does change become a constant in the wink of an eye. I have plenty of work to do. I have to remind myself to stop endlessly looking forward and making plans too far in advance. I am learning to enjoy now. It is a delicate balance of making sure I am prepared and then stopping to enjoy the moment I am in.
I have once again found the passion I enjoyed as a young girl: writing and I have a job that I love. Both give a sense of purpose to my life and in return I have found joy. It is the same delight I felt when young as I swayed in the branches of a willow tree while reading a great book.
With age and an empty-nest has come the wisdom I once knew as a young girl. I am happy I can step back into that positive energy.

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Confessions of an Empty Nester


I heard the door close shut for the last time as my daughter carried her suitcase to her car and drove away. Actually, I really didn’t hear the door close because I wasn’t home. We would say our goodbyes later. But, the way my emotions were going, I swear I heard that door slowly squeak shut when she texted she was getting into her car and leaving her childhood home.
Having my youngest daughter, a recent Purdue University graduate, live at home for a few months had been difficult for all involved. She was miserable and my husband and I bounced between trying to make her happy and hoping she would decide to leave so all of us could go back to whatever we thought was our normal lives. Yet, hugging my daughter goodbye as she set out on an adventure before heading to law school in the fall, I had mixed emotions. I knew this arrangement would be better for her; she needed to get out on her own. But, I was sad that our time together was over and quite honestly, I never felt like we got to enjoy it.
The other reality was the fact that my husband and I were now true empty nesters. We had dabbled in it for a few years. There were long stretches of just he and I as our daughters attended college many states and miles from home. Still, we knew the girls would come back for periods of time. We had the holidays with them, moments during the summer. Now, here we were with two vacant bedrooms in need of a paint job.
My husband and I are very social and we often find plenty to do on the weekends. But, I wonder, do we still maintain the same goals in life? I know for a fact we disagree on the purchase of a second home. What else lies between us and seems unsolvable? Can we proceed down our current path, both of us questioning if we agree on how to live out the next years of our lives? Will we live up to our wedding song words?
“Though the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow, I’ll be in love with you.”
Dan Fogelberg
Because of these differences, I have wondered lately, what keeps some marriages together, after the children leave, and why do others fall apart? I understand there are marriages that were just not meant to be and breaking up makes the most sense. Then, there are the couples who seem to have drifted away from each other but remain living together. Maybe it is the tiring thought of starting over that keeps a number of couples together. There are overwhelming questions. Who gets to keep the friends? How do we split up holidays with our children and with the hoped for grandchildren? How do I go forward from here, can the future alone be better? Consequently, maybe staying is easier.
Or possibly, staying as a couple is because of desires that go beyond boredom and monetary items. There is the anticipated warmth of a grandchild as they snuggle into your lap; the dream of once again seeing the belief in a child’s eyes at the thought of Santa. Quiet talks with daughters on how their lives are going. Being there for their triumphs and holding their hand when life throws a curve ball. Perhaps, as an aging couple these welcoming thoughts draw us together and allow us to continue a relationship over a quarter century old. Maybe it is too difficult to throw out all of those past life experiences that we have walked down and sometimes stumbled through. Memories can inflict a powerful hold, ones that give the heart an opportunity to cling to the thought of more good times to come. I have recollections that allow me to remain hopeful of a future together with a guy I sometimes find stubborn, withdrawn and grumpy. A husband I don’t always understand. As we move forward on our journey together a thought has occurred to me. I need, during those difficult moments, to learn to step back and allow my heart to search the caverns of its memory to a time when the anticipation of seeing him made it beat like crazy.

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Missing Back to School


The other day the Target flyer came, the one with all of the back to school sales.  I love that flyer, so many cool items.  But, after my first initial inhale of anticipation, I let out a slow disappointed sigh.  I have no one to buy back to school junk for.  No one to buy a myriad of notebooks, a bundle of pens and pencils.  No one to buy funky chairs for the dorm room or a sweet string of lights.  As my sigh ended I was struck with the knowledge.  Once again, I have encountered another new phase of my life.  As a Mom, I have moved out of the school years completely.  Pre-school, Elementary, High School, College, all a blur, all finished.  I have been thrown not under the school bus, but past it into this next phase of my life.  The complication is, I am still struggling to decide what to do.

Last fall I started a new part-time job.  I work for the Scotia-Glenville Traveling Museum.  My job, besides the fact that I have to  carry very heavy loads into the schools, is fun.  Yes, fun word be the word.   In fact, I enjoyed the school year so much, I signed on to teach summer sessions this year.  The other day, as I was trying to get to my destination I became very frustrated.  Traffic, construction and the fact I was lost all sent my heart rate soaring.  When I finally arrived at the school, I was flustered and upset with myself for being late.  The teachers were very gracious and  soon I had everything set up and we were under way with the class.  That day, I was teaching an elementary level class of developmentally disabled students, how to make ice cream.  There were about 30 of them.  I did a small presentation on fun facts about ice cream.  I had several students help me pour the ingredients into our small coffee cans.  The anticipation was growing as I explained how we needed to put the smaller can into a large can and surround it with ice and salt.  Then I put a sleeve made of old sweat pants around each of the three large cans and handed them to the students.  They gathered around their teachers and aides and following my instructions began to roll the cans to freeze the milk and cream inside.  Each table was intent on accomplishing their task.  The students went at their job with gusto.

I stood back for a while and observed the room.  The teachers were encouraging the students, with smiles and kind words.  The students responded with delight and huge grins.  I felt the rush of excitement in the air, like a flash of lightning.  It was that startling to me.  And then I realized I was going to cry.  I bit my tongue.   This will be really embarrassing if I cry for no apparent reason in front of these people.  But the gratitude I felt for the fact I had found a job that brought me such joy was incredible.  It was fulfilling to realize I had a part in bringing a day to these students that would be remembered for a long time. Not wanting to cry I turned from the scene and busied myself with cleaning up and preparing to serve the ice cream to my happy, hungry students.  Yet, the moment stayed with me.  I realized here was one of my purposes in life.  I say one, because I know I have others.  And, like any good student, whether I need to buy back to school stuff or not, I am ready to learn.