change

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Missing Back to School


The other day the Target flyer came, the one with all of the back to school sales.  I love that flyer, so many cool items.  But, after my first initial inhale of anticipation, I let out a slow disappointed sigh.  I have no one to buy back to school junk for.  No one to buy a myriad of notebooks, a bundle of pens and pencils.  No one to buy funky chairs for the dorm room or a sweet string of lights.  As my sigh ended I was struck with the knowledge.  Once again, I have encountered another new phase of my life.  As a Mom, I have moved out of the school years completely.  Pre-school, Elementary, High School, College, all a blur, all finished.  I have been thrown not under the school bus, but past it into this next phase of my life.  The complication is, I am still struggling to decide what to do.

Last fall I started a new part-time job.  I work for the Scotia-Glenville Traveling Museum.  My job, besides the fact that I have to  carry very heavy loads into the schools, is fun.  Yes, fun word be the word.   In fact, I enjoyed the school year so much, I signed on to teach summer sessions this year.  The other day, as I was trying to get to my destination I became very frustrated.  Traffic, construction and the fact I was lost all sent my heart rate soaring.  When I finally arrived at the school, I was flustered and upset with myself for being late.  The teachers were very gracious and  soon I had everything set up and we were under way with the class.  That day, I was teaching an elementary level class of developmentally disabled students, how to make ice cream.  There were about 30 of them.  I did a small presentation on fun facts about ice cream.  I had several students help me pour the ingredients into our small coffee cans.  The anticipation was growing as I explained how we needed to put the smaller can into a large can and surround it with ice and salt.  Then I put a sleeve made of old sweat pants around each of the three large cans and handed them to the students.  They gathered around their teachers and aides and following my instructions began to roll the cans to freeze the milk and cream inside.  Each table was intent on accomplishing their task.  The students went at their job with gusto.

I stood back for a while and observed the room.  The teachers were encouraging the students, with smiles and kind words.  The students responded with delight and huge grins.  I felt the rush of excitement in the air, like a flash of lightning.  It was that startling to me.  And then I realized I was going to cry.  I bit my tongue.   This will be really embarrassing if I cry for no apparent reason in front of these people.  But the gratitude I felt for the fact I had found a job that brought me such joy was incredible.  It was fulfilling to realize I had a part in bringing a day to these students that would be remembered for a long time. Not wanting to cry I turned from the scene and busied myself with cleaning up and preparing to serve the ice cream to my happy, hungry students.  Yet, the moment stayed with me.  I realized here was one of my purposes in life.  I say one, because I know I have others.  And, like any good student, whether I need to buy back to school stuff or not, I am ready to learn.

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Signs of Change


Lately, I’ve seen the number 5 everywhere. I see it in doubles or triplicate. I take this as a sign from angels.   It means, according to Doreen Virtue, that the angels are signally, “A major life change is upon you.”  Of course what that change is, I don’t know.  But, I heed the warning   It has only been in the past few years that I have begun to see and acknowledge signs given to me,  from angels.  Even as I put this in print, I acknowledge to myself, that sounds crazy.

But spiritually I have changed.  Gradually, I have stopped attending any kind of formalized religion.  An idea that was brewing inside of me for many years, until finally, I allowed myself to go through with the act.  Even as I made the move,  I found myself more connected with my spirituality.  Yet, it wasn’t until recently that I began to notice numbers.  It seemed they demanded my attention.  I’m not sure how I finally came to the realization that these numbers were  signs to me and not coincidence.  Perhaps in a conversation with my sister, who believes in all kinds of signals.  Or perhaps in the fact I kept seeing the same numbers everywhere; car license plates, the clock, billboards, receipts.  It all began to be very strange.  It was unnerving to wake and look at the clock and see the same numbers repeated night after night.  During the day I would see those same numbers displayed on just about everything.  I went to websites that explained these occurrences to me.  According to the information, angels try to convey messages to us.  They can do this in many ways, I just happen to see numbers.   I find this ironic, since I have always struggled with math.  However, perhaps angels do have a sense of humor.  Eventually, I began to look up what the number combinations were supposed to mean.  Each time I did this, the message seemed very relevent to what was taking place in my life.  My eyebrows would raise in curiosity.  The hairs on the back of my neck would stand at attention, and send a shiver down my spine.

In November of the year 2011, I began to frequently see  the number combination of 555.  Warning of a major life change.  I wondered what this transformation would be, but I took comfort in the fact that this new direction, according to the angel message, “should not be viewed as either positive or negative, since all life change is but a natural part of life’s flow.”  (Doreen Virtue)  Consequently, when I received the call on January 1, 2012 that Mom was very ill, I was not shocked.  I had been given the warnings.  And, I felt in my soul that this was the beginning of the end.  I knew Mom was ready to leave this world, though scared.  And, I knew that I could no longer bear to watch her lose anymore of her dignity and mind.  She literally was a shell encasing a soul that needed to escape the confines of earth.  I felt she yearned to once again be the young carefree woman who laughed, danced, sang and loved.  Mom somehow fought her way back through that first bout of pneumonia.  Even with dementia she was a fighter.  But, when she became ill again in February, it was her time.  She died within 48 hours.

I cried for myself, that Mom and I had lost so many years that should have been enjoyed together.  I cried for her grandchildren, they too had lost their  grandmother as she slid into dementia.  But, I did not cry that my mother had lost any of the life she had left on this earth, that life was nothing more than a struggle for her.  She wanted to leave behind her dementia.  I felt it each time she held my hand and her grip, over the years, became less.  As if that represented her grip on reality and life.

Yesterday, as my youngest daughter enjoyed her last full day of freedom, before she joined the workforce, I reflected back to the signs of 5 I have been receiving again.  I wondered, Is this the change that I have been warned is coming?  Or is it a life change for me? 

Maybe it is  both.  Perhaps, we both need to change and start our new lives.  We laughed during the day, my husband, Kristen and I that none of us knew what we wanted to do when we grew up.  I know, I am still trying to figure that out.  But, I think I learned from the best, my mother.  As long as her mind allowed, she never stopped learning, changing and growing.  At the end of her life, the fact she could no longer learn, was her sign to leave the confines of this world.